1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
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This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
I don’t get marriage
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.