You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
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I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
What’s a Messi?
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Are these grass-fed oranges?
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT