You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
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U talkin 2 me?
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Alexa: *deep breath*
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.