you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
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Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
this is uni
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
“our sushi is very fresh”
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”