“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
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Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
happy valentine’s day to me
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.