You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
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My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today