you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
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Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?