My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
You Might Also Like
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.