@InnocentMarina6: You know why most americans love minions so much? Because they resemble Twinkies..
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@UniqueDude2: ME: fine, judge me. judge me for loving too much, for caring too much- JUDGE: you're on trial for murder ME: for murdering too much
@NikiWithIssues: I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
@ericsshadow: [me telling a joke] guy wearing a "Make America Great Again" hat: I don't understand. ME: There's probably a lot you don't understand.
@XplodingUnicorn: [texting] Wife: Clean out your bowels. Me: OK. Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.