The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
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Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Traveler’s camo
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto