You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
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Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.