*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
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My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.