You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
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According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Venn
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend