You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
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[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out