You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
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Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*