You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
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When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!