@NYC_Blonde: "You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you're at the gym when really you're out shopping" is the title of my autobiography.
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@jordanalexissss: sober in uber: please stop talking to me drunk in uber: ...and that Mike, is why I'm emotionally unavailable I suppose.
@Getnosexual: I have twins because my wife wanted more children than she was willing to have sex with me...
@tastefactory: YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni YANKEE DOODLE'S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody's worried about u