“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
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If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
A dad and his duck
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Day 2 of my diet
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.