You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
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My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
They’re not wrong
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.