You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
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Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer