Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
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perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.