You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
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hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby