You Might Also Like
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.