You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
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My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.