You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
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Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
oh good, now I can stop drinking