Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
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My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
damn he’s good
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
So we got a goldfish…