You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
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I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
A drum solo but on your face.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
*seductively corrects your posture*
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.