You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
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Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.