You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
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Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Who did it better?
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”