You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
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me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Noah was an idiot.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors