I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
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The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.