ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
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Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”