You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
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Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.