@shutupmikeginn: You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
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@BadJordon: Dominos just called to let me know my pizza's on the way. They correctly assumed I'd need time to find my pants.
@zakagan: Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED? Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
@thetits: [texting] ME: I like you, I think you're cute MY CRUSH: oh um ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that