You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
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God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.