You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
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Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.