“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
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Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I’d rather fork than spoon.