“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
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TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?