‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
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ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.