@lnsaneTweets: You look like something I'd draw with my left hand
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@dafloydsta: WIFE: Stop spending all our money ME: Okay, fine [later] WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF? ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
@AGreaterMonster: LOL at the neighbor kids who didn't realize I keep my piranhas in the hot tub.