My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
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My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Never be a pizza!
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent