You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
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The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.