You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
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[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory