You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
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*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Wednesday
Hitlers gonna hitl
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Breaking news:
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis