You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
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In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”