My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
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“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.