GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
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On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes