Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
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Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is