[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
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I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry