You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
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i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
So, can we agree on 4 or
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.