What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
You Might Also Like
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.