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Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Perfect.