馃槀
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Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo鈥檚 school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
CLERK: That鈥檒l be 95 cents.
ME: Here鈥檚 a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I鈥檓 okay with that.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
professor x: what鈥檚 your power?
me: i鈥檓 at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they鈥檙e hilarious.馃槀
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 馃敟馃敟
Looking at a girl in great shape: 馃槏馃槏
Looking at workout equipment: 馃槓
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Murder hornets don鈥檛 sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.