You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
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I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.